I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
