Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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