First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
