recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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