My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
