I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The best revenge is premature balding
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
