hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
