I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
