Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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