Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
