I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
