I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
