I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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