ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
pop tarts are not kleenex
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
