I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
