Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
