Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
