Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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