I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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