If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
