Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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