Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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