Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
