I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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