what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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