i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
