yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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