I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
