I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
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I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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