made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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