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I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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