gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
