he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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