I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
