forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
