Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
