so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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