i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
