Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
