I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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