his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
