That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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