i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
