Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
