i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
