so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well