The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
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Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad