I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
dude. I can hear the air.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
