wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
