i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
