Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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