You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
