He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm always down for nudity.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
